Deep and ecstatic sex touches us like few other things do. It takes us out of our normal, controlled way of being. It opens our breath, senses, feelings, and our heart too. This can be so lovely and beautiful, but also disturbing or exposing.
When we truly make love, when we surrender deeply to our instinctual selves, to our body’s senses, to our aliveness and to our hearts feelings come up literotica. They must come up, because it is our heart opening in trust that makes for truly great sex. If you want sex that is sacred, if you want to make love in a way that’s divine, you need to understand what impact emotions and feelings have on your lovemaking.
As you probably have experienced first hand at one time or another, emotions can make or break great sex. No amount of sexual know-how or Tantric technique or special energy exercise will have true meaning without allowing our feelings to play their role in sacred lovemaking. Fully opening into divine sex is all about trust. Without it any knowledge or technique is in danger of remaining rote and mechanical.
A lot of times, the reason people don’t have deep and fulfilling sex is because they don’t trust this emotional movement. Yet the more we open sexually, the more the shadow side of ourselves will come up also – that is, the unlived, unresolved and unhealed parts of us. This is particularly dramatic in the case of trauma survivors, but it’s true to some degree for almost everybody.
When we open sexually, vulnerable parts of us may also come out, triggering various emotions. If we don’t resist this movement of feelings then grace can open up for us. The analogy of this truth, that we must embrace our shadow side in order to transcend it, is the beautiful lotus blossom that rises out of the murky mud. The sex act, when done with awareness, has incredible healing potential. Through loving sex we can heal our bodies, our hearts and our entire beings.
Robert had always prided himself as a very capable lover. And he had always enjoyed lots of sex throughout his life. Robert’s childhood had been very difficult, his mother was schizophrenic and so she was alternately neglectful and loving toward him when he was a child. He learned how to survive the hurt of such unreliable love by protecting his heart and not really letting anyone too close. He had been in several relationships, which he thought were reasonably satisfying, but then one day Robert fell in love, truly deeply in love, like he had never felt before and a disturbing thing started happening.
When Robert was making love with his new partner he could feel some very sad old feelings of hurt rise up. As he began to trust his new lover, he became aware of how his heart was hurt by those earlier events in his life. Being a strongly masculine male, he felt that to be a good lover he had to be strong at all times; he could not show weakness especially to his new love whom he was so anxious to show his best side.
During lovemaking when those vulnerable parts of him arose to distract himself from these feelings, quite unconsciously, he got more vigorous in his lovemaking. This did not please his partner, Evelyn, because she could feel something was wrong. She started complaining that his sex was mechanical and too rough. Evelyn had a natural and deep understanding of sacred sex and she truly loved him so she kept inviting him to be softer and to show her his vulnerable sides. With time the trust between them grew so much that he could begin to feel and talk about his hurt, and he could allow those moments of emotional pain to ripple through him as they made love. He realized that it was not only ok, but that it made it possible to enjoy a depth of sensual feeling, pleasure and intimacy in lovemaking that he never knew existed.
To have truly great sex you need to open your entire self, and that includes your feelings, whatever they may be. It’s impossible to open your heart selectively. You can’t open just one part of you, just your “sexy, happy self” and keep the part other aspects under wraps. If you try to do that, sex will be mediocre at best. If you want to go really high, you need to be willing to go deep as well.
Our great mystics knew this. And our most famous poets down the ages often speak of this too: how joy and rapture are entwined with longing, rage, grief and despair. Making friends with your feelings is going to improve your sex life, whether these feelings are joy, fear, bliss, rage, sadness or love. I mean this very literally.
Allowing feelings to well up while we’re sexual is important for beautiful lovemaking. Of course this contradicts the perfect picture of romance and hot sex that we have in our heads. It’s especially hard when we consider that the feelings that might come up for us could be anger, fear, grief, or other less acceptable ones. Yet there’s so much erotic juice bound up in emotions, so much intimacy to be gained from allowing them, often from the ones that we try to hold back because we consider them unfit for the bedroom.
It’s not only the darker emotions that we fear. Many of us are also afraid of being somehow “too much”, and so what we often suppress is abandoned joy, the giggles, rapture, bliss. Most of us carefully monitor the noises we make. We have acceptable sex noises and unacceptable ones, right? Of course it’s good to be considerate of your neighbours, but whenever the circumstances allow, it’s great if you can just let go.